= blog

do not smalltalk. do not start a convo by meowing.
i want you to infodump your way into being friends with me. do something interesting. impress me. surprise me. anything. just don't be boring.

if i didn't realize that i'm being horrible before hitting the "publish" button, my whole future would've probably changed for the worse. i'm glad i'm not in that dimension.

i have the motivation, the experience but i don't have enough self-respect and confidence.
people take the lead, take away tasks from me and gain the respect i yearn while i'm slipping deeper and deeper on this spiral.
i tell some that i have a problem with this, nothing changes.
if i told someone off for doing this, others would be weirded out because "i'm not letting the more competent one do it".
they can't even say i don't do the things i'm being asked to do. i do everything as soon as i can and they always like the end result. yet i'm competing against people with much more respect for that same respect. there is no space for me to grow. i'm not being let.
i'm there to make a clown out of myself. maybe i do not fit in. i'm probably a pussy and it shouldn't be like that.

about 1.5y ago i asked my mom what she would do if she found out that we live in a simulation.
she told me that she wouldn't really want to live.
i told her that i would be happy as fuck, because that would mean that there's probably a way to break it.
will i be able to do it?

took an aq-50 autism test and got 54% lol. "border line" -- results may or may not be clinically significant. i'm fucked.

it's interesting how the world we live in is built on such a fragile foundation.
the fact that "crime" exists proves that "law" as a concept is bullshit.
people will brainlessly follow and defend a book that has been interpreted thousands of different ways since its creation.
finance as a whole is a joke.

still thinking about using mastodon, might set up an instance later on snuggle.club ^^

dunno how i'll integrate it into my site yet. i might not. i might keep using this for thoughts i don't want lots of people to see :p

oof the bookmarks page looks a bit broken on mobile

sleep fears me

hearing the low humming of the computer i thought: this is where i feel home

not because of the humming but because i am quite literally at home Lol.

they say living is a gift but it only applies if you don't think. do not think. once you start thinking you cannot go back. it's like the matrix. everything is the matrix except you can't be a hero like neo. everything is pointless.

passengerprincess - EVERLASTING is such a sweet song. the lyrics, the melody, the cover art.. i cannot put it into words. it really makes me feel stuff. i love music. i love art. i feel like i'm about to be torn apart. being human is scary.

i started working on the fagroutine blogpost 2 weeks ago i procrastinated finishing it so hard omg

there are so many things i don't talk about but i always think and it's making me crazy

i hate this world. all i need right now is my computers and peace. i can't bear this. living is stressful.

i just remembered a blogpost i read 2 or 3 years ago where the guy was writing about "fake sneakers".

he apparently wore some fake yeezys in public just to test if people would act differently around him. conveniently there was a twitter post linked with an image attached that was taken of him on the subway and the post was mocking the shit out of him.

it's so silly. NOTHING like that ever happens. most of the time you CANNOT TELL that someone is wearing fakes. WHY would ANYONE take a picture in public and mock someone for that??

EDIT: just to clarify i am basically calling the post fake as hell

i never really wanted to hurt anyone

still sometimes thinking about using mastodon. eh..

oh god i'm so not good with words

GUESTBOOK IS LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do not bring up politics in FOSS related discussions. it's stupid. entire thing is a psyop anyway.

ughh i NEED a guestbook so bad

every time i hear a mosquito irl i wish i had laser eyes that would feel at least 10000 times more agonizing than being locked inside a bronze bull so i can beam these fuckers

goodnight!!!!!! (im sleeping) (its 1am sept 20) (super eepi)

did i really just make a standalone backend for my blog while i'm sitting on a nuxt4 (FULL FUCKING STACK) personal site???

wawawa